It's funny isn't it? Actually, I would say that it's hilariously sad, the way we try so hard to find our uniqueness in this world by copying others. I've done it. You've done it. We all do it. Don't get me wrong. It's great to be inspired by others, by their spirit, their endeavours, their accolades. But that was them. That was their path. So where does the modelling stop? When does the following end?
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of trying to be someone else. I'll tell you a short story; something that happened to me last week. I was working quite a lot in the pharmacy, and on my day off, days that I dedicate to my healing and coaching work, I was frazzled, beat. In fact, I was frazzling and beating myself up. Thoughts like ' when will I ever change my life' or ' I need to stop working so that I can be who I really am' to ' How can i truly be authentic?' were weighing me down. This was torturous. I was in serious emotional trouble. I was angry - in fact, I was furious - and so I decided I was going to STOP. I have done this on other occasions, just STOPPING, and it has yielded such great exposure to a deep sense of peace, a belonging to the mysterious love of the Universe. And it has always felt like home, safe, loving and perfect.
So, I thought, let's STOP. `And so I did.
I sequestered myself in my room, meditating for four hours, give or take a few minutes. In these hours, I re-aquainted myself with the honourable feelings of peace, stillness and the deepest acceptance of being exactly where I was, who I was, and do you know what? It was all okay. All the feelings of being a failure evaporated. I felt free. I felt alive. You see, I had removed my awareness from the surface of my mind, where I struggle to survive the onslaught of conditioning and experiences that would have me believe that I AM NOT ENOUGH. But in the depths of my mind, where I bathed in the still waters of peace and stillness, I knew that I AM ENOUGH. This is a truth that can never be taken away, only covered up by the incessant mind-chatter, echoing years of conditioning, and basically... shit.
And so I brought these feelings of ENOUGHNESS back to the surface of my mind, to my waking life, and allowed everything to percolate, to fizz and crackle and just be as it is.
Within 36 hours I was guided to the work of Caroline McHugh, whose individual uniqueness mirrored exactly what I, and probably you, have been searching for all of this life. To BE MY SELF.
This has been a beautiful reminder to STOP believing all the nonsense I have been telling myself, to dive into the peace and stillness present behind every breath and within every moment, so that I can meet myself, as I AM, without an overcoating of shame, guilt and unworthiness, Just overflowing with life, with acceptance and joy.
These are just words, of course, and do not really convey the experience as it was. But they are a pointer, a beautiful reminder to STOP trying so hard to be my self.